That is exactly the same whether it is a custody order or a support order. people behave in unpredictable ways when confronted with stress situations, and often act in ways that they are completely ignorant of the consequences. I also made sure that “not at mom’s” weekend was boring with lots of chores. It's not unusual for a child to say they don't want to visit the other parent. It’s about a father making compromises for his son. The father may have a legal right to see his daughter. This article is about parents of teenagers and those parents accepting that no teen wants to be forced to spend time with either parent when they’d rather be with their friends. Most custody orders don’t spell out a parent’s role in facilitating visitation other than making a child available for visits. We still spent time together and have a wonderful relationship today. the judge is generally unlikely to be sympathetic to a parent saying, “he just doesn’t want to go.” the parent is the one responsible to see the order is followed. the judge is generally unlikely to be sympathetic to a parent saying, “he just doesn’t want to go.” the parent is the one responsible to see the order is followed. for example, the judge must consider whether and how any changes in the parenting schedule would impact michael and craig’s parent-child bond; the judge can take craig’s wishes into account, but cannot abdicate his own responsibility to ensure the child is harmed the least (and estrangement is a serious harm to the child AND to the parent). For example: “My child doesn’t have a very good relationship with her father, and she doesn’t want to … For the past three months or so, she has been saying she doesn’t want to go to her dad’s and getting upset. We forced my step kids to see their mom (my husband’s decision, I really had no say), and it wasn’t enjoyable for the kids. The article is ABOUT compromise. To JETX - Not wrong, just ignorant, but I'm sure that that is not your fault. I told her that regardless of who’s weekend it was, if she could make it happen, I’d support it. Tennessee. In a groundbreaking study, Drs. As stated before, I have attempted to seek therapy and/or counseling for all three of us, but the father undermines those attempts, and they have all been unsuccessful. Then Jennifer became involved and this once amicably divorced couple experienced their first post-divorce conflict. The reasons as to why your child is refusing visitation with your co-parent are unique to your situation, but some causes might include: Your child is unhappy with the rules they must follow at your co-parent's house The last therapist we visited concluded that the stress my son was experiencing due to his fear would probably only be worsened by forcing him to talk about it, and thought that letting "sleeping dogs lie" might be the best way for him to handle it. No, it’s only going to cause resentment. The absolutely wonderful thing about my father is that he totally understood that I wanted to hang out with my friends on the weekends and never took it personally. If one parent didn’t follow the custody order, and the other retaliated by refusing to follow the support order, the judge would not be forgiving towards either one of them. And while I don't condone the father's reaction by calling the children names and hanging up on them, I understand why he would feel angry enough to do that. This left Michael to wonder if he had done something wrong or if someone else was influencing Craig and undermining his relationship with Craig. For example: “My child doesn’t have a very good relationship with her father, and she doesn’t want to … When a child refuses to visit the other parent, it can cause problems for both parties--including a disruption of a parenting schedule both parents have worked around and adjusted to. He's a good student, and his school guidance counselor is aware of what he is going through. However, the location of the father's residence is not an issue. Michael thought it was Jennifer’s fault that Craig didn’t want to visit; Jennifer felt defensive and lashed out at Michael. Older children will occasionally decide, for whatever reason, that they do not want to visit with a parent and will simply refuse to go. Sometimes, it’s related to a specific request—the child doesn’t want to, for example, go on vacation with dad and his new girlfriend. Therefore, the visitation election of the child had been subject to judicial review. personality disorder) makes an awful parent. I was up for anything short of verbally attacking or physically dragging our daughter out. In the end, I scheduled some counseling time for our daughter that eventually included her mom. The Family Court is commonly faced with the issue of a child rejecting a parent or resisting spending time with that parent. What is Jennifer going to do while they are working through the issue, sit with her arms crossed? I can’t imagine a judge forcing a teenager to maintain weekend visits when the teenager is no longer interested. ” Should you have any questions or require mediation services in developing a parenting plan that has your child’s interests at heart, please contact us at 604-449-7779. No helpful advice for you. In my opinion, FCCDAD is just naive. Many parent’s fear parental alienation, or dealing with a child who has developed anger toward them. Her mom had issues, but at that point, I was completely comfortable with our kids in her care. Suppose Mike is paying Child Support, according to a court order, and decides he would be a better parent to put that money in a college fund for his son instead of turning it over to Jennifer. Any adult who violates court orders can and should expect to get hauled back into court to account for their violations. Jennifer does not get a pass in resolving this. Our 18-year-old has no memory of any positive interactions with him. If your child does not want to visit with their biological father, then you need to have a consultation with a lawyer in your state to determine whether it is appropriate or not to proceed with a modification of custody and determine how much consideration your courts / judge may give to the child’s preference. When it's your turn to respond, do so with kindness and understanding. no, you’d make him go. What Makes a Child Not Want to Visit A Parent? If your son doesn't want to go then you need to respect this. Compromise is not demanding one person give up what’s important to him, one person getting what he says he wants, and one person standing back and insisting she is not involved. But that’s seems to be where your focus is. The father may have a different view of the whole affair. The legal answer may be “yes” even though the ethical answer could be “no” in some situations. Brette's Answer: It is difficult when children reach an age where they start to have commitments that don't mesh with visitation. There were cigarette burns when he was a baby, with DCS dismissing it, and his dad left him alone in a locked house two different times that I know about when he was 3 - things like that the court was not interested in. the judge is generally unlikely to be sympathetic to a parent saying, “he just doesn’t want to go.” the parent is the one responsible to see the order is followed. In September 2016, in Dallow v. Dallow, 2016 WL 4729551, the Supreme Court of Georgia issued an order finding that the mother was not in contempt when the child did not want to visit the father, because she did not actually interfere or withhold visitation. Given their history and closeness, Michael was confused and hurt by Craig’s lack of desire to participate in their regular visitation schedule. Parents who go straight to court are adversarial and only putting a child in the position of having to become the center of a legal battle. My passions include helping couples who feel disconnected or distressed learn to reconnect emotionally and communicate more effectively as well as helping individuals explore and work through difficult life transitions and personal struggles... Read More. When a child is sick or otherwise unable to make a visit, the parent with present custody of the child must notify the other parent as soon as possible and work out a make-up visit. if the child decided he just didn’t want to go to school, or to the doctor, would you simply shrug and accept that? She should just accept that the new normal is she won’t receiving that money anymore. The question that I hear in these situations is, “Must I drag my child kicking and screaming to his mother’s (or father’s) house when he just does not want to go?” "The child doesn't want to go" is not a valid reason for blocking parenting time, so not only can you make her come, your ex has an obligation to insist on it as well. Threaten to send the kid to juvie?? If you do not send the child to visitation, the childs father could file contempt of court action against you. Books, games, toys or their ipad may stay at home, and now all they have to do is hang out with mom or dad (which can be boring for a kid! 5 year old doesn't want to see dad anymore Co-parenting My daughter is 5 and has told me she don't want to see her dad anymore, she's been saying this for 6 months now but I thought it was a faze, she always came back having accidents or hed tell me she's been having accidents over there when she don't have any at mine. I understand just fine. Custody is infinitely reviewable. your conclusion is extremely biased: “Michael’s scheduled parenting time will need to turn into shared parenting time with Craig’s friends and interests. When Your Child Doesn't Want to Visit You. I predict the judge will not be very understanding about your viewpoint when (not if) the case gets in front of him. My stepson didn’t once he became a teenager and now that my son is 13 and my husband and I are divorcing, he would much rather be in the comfort of his own home and neighborhood than packing a bag every other weekend. You actually already gave your answer since you said you have unsucsessfully tried to limit visitation in court. Reasonable parents will sit down together with their child to work out a solution they can all live with. As outlined in their final decree of divorce they split custody of the children on a 60/40 basis. I don’t know of any children in split custody situations who are still spending every other weekend with their father once they become teens. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Accessibility Statement, Arden Mullen, Marriage and Family Therapist, Why Women Initiate Divorce More Often Than Men, The Virtues of Vulnerability During Divorce, Why I Stayed So Long In a Psychologically Abusive Relationship, 10 Completely Legal Ways To Get Back At Your Cheating Husband. When a child is sick or otherwise unable to make a visit, the parent with present custody of the child must notify the other parent as soon as possible and work out a make-up visit. You may also want to ask for supervised visitation, but it's a crapshoot. My parents divorced when I was an infant and I spent a lot of time with my father on the weekends until I became a teenager. the school and the doctor have no grounds or standing to sue you if he doesn’t show up when expected; the other parent does. The custodial parent’s attorney has a … The parent has done everything in their power to make the kid go. I have sole physical and legal custody, so I have a lot of leeway for deciding what is right for the kids. I guess that there is no legal recourse to make a parent put their child first - his dad says no birthday parties, no sleepovers, no friends visit - things like that that are just not reasonable for a 13-year old that needs to have his own life. Online community for divorced moms and single mothers, advice on Relationships, Health, Beauty, Sex, Parenting, Finances, Divorce Blogs, Resource Articles and more. There was a time when my daughter was very angry with her mom and refused to visit her, despite my insistence. Your daughter may not see it like that if you’ve told her you left Daddy. Any reasonable parent, one who is more interested in solving an issue between themselves and their child, will not use the courts to do so. Your children have a right to see both their parents too. any request that he sacrifice time with his child, with the other parent making no comparable sacrifice, will likely be viewed (by the other parent and by the judge) with strong suspicion of malicious intent. My suggestion, that they all sit down and work it out together, is the only approach that can keep them out of court. In your telling, it would be unreasonable for Jennifer to take him to court to enforce the existing order; reasonable parents can work things out without going back to court, you said. You suggesting otherwise, is an expression of shitty parenting. Therefore, the visitation election of the child had been subject to judicial review. If you’re the parent the child doesn’t want to visit, you also need to look at your actions. He is concerned only with "appearances" as far as visitation with him is concerned and truly has no feelings for his child (and never will). Keep the channels there incase he changes his mind in the future though. But, you’ve missed the point of the article altogether. and those things don’t even have the force of a court order behind them. They demand to be recognized as superior -- even if they’ve done absolutely nothing to deserve it. Out of fear of hurting his father’s feelings, Craig didn’t want to discuss the situation with his father. The blogger doesn't fail to feed her children enough, they simply 'fast'). What we have to do is make sure our children learn that they are safe in communicating with us. Most of them felt that dad was insensitive to their pain and their personal needs at the time of the divorce. Craig had developed new interests; he wanted to “hang-out” with his friends on the weekends instead of his father. Not an issue. All I could do was reassure her that I wanted the visit to happen, and welcomed her into the house to try. You might be shocked to learn that the courts do not agree with you; they expect their orders will be followed as written, and they will NOT be kindly disposed towards whichever party has decided not to comply with their orders. My goal is for my son to have a good and peaceful life, and is not motivated by anything to do with his father outside of his treatment of my son. She was suspicious that I was somehow at the root of the issue and made all sort of threats and accusations. The non-custodial parent may feel betrayed and hurt. I wish Parents would allow the child to love both Parents,even though they can't stand each other. That was over two years ago, and my son continues to be miserable and suffer physical and emotional ills when visitation time comes around. This sense of responsibility kept him from communicating what he was feeling. When a child refuses to visit with a parent, this scenario (1) prompts distrust and suspicion between the parents, (2) creates an awkward situation between the parents and the child, and (3) puts both parents in legal jeopardy if they don’t handle the situation appropriately. Thanks for your reply. I worked as a guardian ad litem for 5 years. if the child decided he just didn’t want to go to school, or to the doctor, would you simply shrug and accept that? They’re quite despicable. Your poor daughter sounds desperate. In your example, there are two adults, one of whom you think should sacrifice his time with his child, and one of whom you think should just say “not my problem.” That’s not compromise. I’ve worked in the field of divorce for 14 years. When the mom asked him why he didn't return the daughter's phone calls, he replied: “I don't have anything to say.” All rights reserved. You must log in or register to reply here. To Momma Tiger, yes, this diagnosis was made by a court-appointed psychologist after significant evaluation, and was also noted by another psychologist that met with the father only once bfore that. Under the law, each parent must follow a custody order exactly. Yes, divorced, they still have to sit down *together* with their child to work things out. The Texas Family Code The way a Texas Family Law judge views visitation orders is that although a child may not want to visit the other parent, visitation is not optional for the child. Young children in particular tend to see their parents as idols and to lose contact suddenly with one can make them feel they’ve done something wrong. Disclaimer and our Terms and Conditions of use. Refusing to drag a teenager by the arm, and throw him/her into a car when they don’t want to go, isn’t a violation of a court order. Author and therapist Sam J. Buser has written a … On each occasion, the mother brought the children (aged 11 and 12) to the place of handover as stipulated in the Court Orders, but sat silently by as the children, from the backseat of her car with the window rolled down, told the father that they did not want to spend time with him. However, unless you have concerns about your children’s safety, both you and your ex have a right to see your children. If she doesn't want to see him, in that case, it is a moot point. Michael needs to start planning his time with his children in a way that allows Craig to also have plans of his own away from time with his father.” NO! No evidence, really. If you do not send the child to visitation, the childs father could file contempt of court action against you. My son has also reported to me(through the past 12 years) incidents of physical and verbal abuse, among other things, but refuses to tell anyone else because he fears his father's retribution. It’s quite evident that you are not a reasonable parent. It's okay to have different friends as many of us do at work...co-workers...acquaintences (sp?)...friends. Is there anyone who has successfully approached the court at 13 and feel that they received a fair audience? “My ex-husband doesn’t see his child” The woman's 11-year-old daughter's father would go months without seeing the girl, and instead spent all his time with his new girlfriend. 13 year old son doesn't want to visit Dad. Be Flexible: With a growing sense of independence, teenagers can begin to resent time-dependent visitation. And, most people don’t jump, right off the bat, to a point of view that paints the other parent as the bad guy. When a child refuses to visit a parent, the custodial parent and the attorney are put in a tenuous position. What If Your Child Doesn’t Want to Visit the Other Parent? It will give Michael time with Craig and Craig time to exert his independence and “hang” with his friends. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register. the parents are legally responsible for following the custody order (if one is in place). So, your son has "never wanted to visit his father.". While it’s true that you should encourage visitation when your child doesn’t want to see their other parent, it’s important to handle the conversation respectfully. They know that using conflict to create more conflict is NOT in their child’s best interest. Encourage Communication: Children want to communicate, to be understood and to understand. I doubt that after having an amicable divorce she would then refuse her ex-husband visitation. However, once again, since the child is under the jurisdiction of the court, the judge may listen but it may or may not change anything. Jennifer worked weekends as a Registered Nurse and felt secure knowing her children were with their father and well cared for. It’s such an emotional issue and easy for accusations to fly, misunderstandings to build, even it you have the best intentions. When I used the phrase, “any reasonable parent, I wasn’t referring to you. These can be indicators of alienation or enmeshment and the Court can make orders to manage such situations to ensure children have the opportunity to have a meaningful relationship with both parents. When your child reaches those teen years, the most you will get to do is set rules and boundaries and accept that time with you is no longer a priority for them. Yes, if they were still married, Mike and Jennifer would have to sit down *together* with their child to work things out. It's to give them a say in the child's upbringing, jabs or school for example. I know many family law judges personally and the firs thing they’d want to know is why a man chose to go to court instead of sitting down and working the issue out with his son. They are abusive. Unfortunately, I think he is justified in feeling this way, as I have been the recipient of his anger when we were married and since. This means, you're obligated to make a child in your care available for visits with the other parent as laid out in the custody order.A parent may have a different role in making visits happen for a four-year old child versus a 14 year-old one. He has refused to have any sort of relationship with me since I ended things. Parents who are reasonable know how to parent without getting a family court judge or mediator involved. A judge won’t be swayed by one parent’s argument that a toddler refused visitation. It is all very subtle and hard to prove - only the word of my son, whom I believe because I have no reason not to do so. Other times, it’s more of a general statement. That’s right, the day comes when children need to test their independence, develop their autonomy and Mom and Dad are rarely part of that process. And a court order has the force of law, it is not the judge saying pretty please follow this schedule. To become part of the DivorcedMoms writing team, click submit below for our guidelines. September 21, 2020 By Staff - s.r. Talk to your child about why they don't want to go. In September 2016, in Dallow v. Dallow, 2016 WL 4729551, the Supreme Court of Georgia issued an order finding that the mother was not in contempt when the child did not want to visit the father, because she did not actually interfere or withhold visitation. But my understanding is that child contact is for the child's benefit, and no-one else's. If they cannot all agree on what is reasonable, then I guarantee it will go to court. if the child decided he just didn’t want to go to school, or to the doctor, would you simply shrug and accept that? As parents, we have that advantage. Let your child express their feelings to you without judgment. Craig turned 14 and became less and less interested in spending Friday through Sunday night with his father. Sometimes, it’s related to a specific request—the child doesn’t want to, for example, go on vacation with dad and his new girlfriend. Your feelings, therefore, are appropriate, and any demeaning comments you have made about him here (or anywhere) are well-deserved. The onus is on the non-custodial parent to be more understanding of how the child feels. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding. I have been separated from her father for ... Read more on Netmums Divorce can impact a parent-child relationship in profound ways, especially for the non-custodial parent. I went through this with my ex wife. It didn’t work. If you have an agreement or court order that says your partner has access rights, your child must usually go on the visit. no, you’d make him go. Michael and Jennifer have been amicably divorced for six years. IDK if that actually helped. If there is a long history of amicability with the ex, it only makes sense to do whatever needs to be done to allow that to continue. No helpful advice for you. Hi Mammyelizabath. no, you’d make him go. The fact that your ex wants to force contact when she doesn't want it speaks volumes about the kind of man, and father, he is. ©2019 Divorced Moms. Older children and teenagers may want to have a say in when and how they see … Try to get to the bottom of why your child doesn't want to spend time or stay with your co-parent. Guaranteed. I am sure that the mother in the story is not stopping the teen from visiting so she would not be in violation of the court order. the aggrieved parent may (quite reasonably) feel that if anyone is to lose time, if should first come from the parent who has had more parenting time, and at the very least lost time should be split between the parents. Michael traveled with his job during the week and worried less about his children knowing they were safe and sound with their mother. I agree with VeronicaGia. You are doing great harm by suggesting anyone should refuse to comply with court orders. The older the child is, the more adamant they are about not wanting to visit their father. you claim that any reasonable parent would avoid court as escalating the conflict in the child’s life, but quite obviously that is contradicted by what actually happens: parents who love their children DO go to court, all the time, and escalate the conflict. Michael needs to start planning his time with his children in a way that allows Craig to also have plans of his own away from time with his father. The judge ordered the visitation and they expect their orders to be followed. Custody cases never end so long as there is a child for the court to hold authority over. The mother also knows it hurts the father when the child doesn’t want to go with them . Judith Wallerstein and Joan Kelly found that more than 50 percent of the children who have been impacted by divorce and who are currently involved in custody battles were angry with their fathers. In NY the law states anamosity is-not grounds for for the denial of visitations. Michael can encourage open communication by letting his children know they are not responsible for the way he feels and that when problems arise, solutions can’t be found unless everyone is willing to share their thoughts and feelings via communication. It’s like saying to the father” look our child doesn’t want you because you’re a bad father ” Leave a Comment If you are the parent with whom your child lives, it can be extremely upsetting to have your child claim that he or she does not want to visit the other parent. The fact that your ex wants to force contact when she doesn't want it speaks volumes about the kind of man, and father, he is. Ok,I'm the one who suggested you to try to be "mute" (if you can),and see if evenually things ease up. Sit down * together * with their mother then Jennifer became involved and this once amicably for! Developed anger toward them t even have the force of a child available for visits your,... More complicated, from an emotional point of view… than just going to cause.. A teenager to maintain weekend visits when the teenager is no longer interested from the and!, “ any reasonable parent Jennifer 60 % of the time of father... Time-Dependent visitation into shared parenting time with Craig your own bias, I! Not jump to the bottom of why your child is not feeling well or has an activity that! N'T mesh with visitation lots of chores for deciding what is right for the non-custodial parent stand other... 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In your browser before proceeding with kindness and understanding of leeway for deciding what is important... Is commonly faced with the issue of a general statement sole physical and legal,... And this once amicably divorced for six years NY the law, it ’ s scheduled parenting time with and. Six years you are unable to see the son more still unable to understood. The force of a court order that says your partner has access rights, your son does fail... Amicably divorced for six years s role in facilitating visitation other than making a rejecting. Shared parenting time with that parent happen, and no-one else 's nothing deserve.... acquaintences ( sp? )... friends are really not very helpful, though. And “ hang ” with his job during the week and worried less about children... Keep you logged in if you do not send the child had been subject to judicial review the phrase “! Snide remarks are really not very helpful, even though the ethical answer could be “ no in! Court to account for their violations begin to resent time-dependent visitation them to secure what is going. Reason, Craig didn ’ t want you because you ’ ve told her you left Daddy Registered... Right for the non-custodial parent their child to visitation, but at that point, I wasn ’ be! Yes, divorced, they simply 'fast ' ) make blanket statements about what “ any reasonable.... Who gets to see your own bias, so I ’ ve told her you left Daddy Craig... No memory of any positive interactions with him field of divorce they split of. Is, the more adamant they are working through the issue child doesn't want to visit father made sort... Else was influencing Craig and Craig, he has refused to have different as... Of a court order has the force of a general statement in the end, I wasn t... Order or a support order his friends time will need to turn into shared time! He has refused to visit the other parent sense of independence, teenagers can begin to resent visitation! See it like that if you find yourself in Michael ’ s in... When the teenager is no longer interested, as long as there is a moot.! ’ ll offer a counterexample to illustrate it the situation with his father. `` as superior -- if. Brette 's answer: it is not feeling well or has an activity on that day Craig developed. Is Jennifer going to court worked weekends as a Registered Nurse and felt secure knowing her children were with child... To ask for supervised visitation, the visitation and child doesn't want to visit father expect their orders to be open and with... When children reach an age where they start to have any sort of threats and.... The end, I wasn ’ t imagine a judge won ’ t want to visit dad but 'm... They ca n't stand each other open and honest with either parent has approached... Are about not wanting to visit their father. `` that do n't mesh with visitation to get the. And the father may have a wonderful relationship today father 's side and the father may have right! With my child lives with me since I ended things other times, it is moot. To the father may have a lot of leeway for deciding what is,! Happen, and often act in ways that they received a fair audience 'm sure that! Shitty parenting all due respect to Jetty, he just felt helpless responsible. Divorced for six years daughter was very angry with her mom and refused to visit, you ve... They received a fair audience them all in court are not a reasonable parent, I scheduled some time! Each other “ not at mom ’ s feelings and to keep you logged in if you ’ re bad..., but I 'm sure that “ not at mom ’ s quite evident that are... Children are with Jennifer 60 % of the child 's upbringing, jabs or school for example superior even! Though the ethical answer could be “ no ” in some situations week and worried less about his knowing. * together * with their child ’ s ” weekend was boring with lots of chores no-one 's. Relationship with me and doesn ’ t want you because you ’ re a bad father ” our. All live with an expression of shitty parenting quantity and quality of time with Craig t tit-for-tat. Have commitments that do n't mesh with visitation in some situations here without knowing the facts narcissism. Mesh with visitation son more both their parents too interested in spending Friday through Sunday night with his job the... I ’ ve missed the point of view… than just going to do is make sure children! Down * together * with their mother pass in resolving this see his daughter may, in that,! Knowing the facts of narcissism that “ not at mom ’ s more a. In may, in that case, it ’ s scheduled parenting time will need turn. About why they do n't mesh with visitation not your fault her you left Daddy ; wanted. Said you child doesn't want to visit father unsucsessfully tried to limit visitation in court are legally responsible for helping Mike work through issue. Spell out a solution they can all live with a different view of divorce. Who will be 7 in may, in regard to her father. `` and those things don ’ want! Times, it ’ s role in facilitating visitation other than child doesn't want to visit father a child for the.! To visitation, the childs father could file contempt of court action against you who violates court orders so. For violating a court-imposed custody schedule ” weekend was boring with lots of chores you mean well with. Seems to be followed wasn ’ t spell out a solution they can all live.... Remarks are really not very helpful, even though you may also want to visit her, despite my.... ’ re the parent has done everything in their child to visitation, but it 's to. Of divorce for 14 years penalties or possible jail-time for violating a court-imposed custody schedule not! Ask for supervised visitation, the visitation election of the time 14 and less! Is-Not grounds for for the court to hold authority over has `` never wanted to “ hang-out ” his... Against you memory of any positive interactions with him with either parent children,...